In an effort to improve upon a dismal showing in their expansion season, Water Lilies GM Gaylord Noblower skipped out on the draft and hired some ex-NHL superstars on to help in some key areas.
Goaltending Coach
Peter Ing of Maple Leafs and Oiler fame joins the team in an effort to rear young netminder Semyon Varlamov. Said Ing, "I think Semyon needs a solid influence to get behind him and support him, keep pumping away when he goes down and helps him reach full potential when he's up."
Defense Coach
Joining the bench one of many assistants will be Todd Gill, former Leaf and Red Wing. "Hey, no one wants to get stuck in their own end all night. Sometimes you wanna dump it out and charge right back into their end. That's how I like to do things."
Head Coach
New Head Coach Dick Burns from Beeton, Ontario brings that small town charm and toughness to a team that needs to be beat into shape. "I'm coming in here to show these guys what not just one man can do with his bare hands, but a whole team. No free passes here, these boys are going to work off every mistake until they taste success."
"We're going to employ a trap this season that we'll, hopefully, suck all of our opponents into submission with. Nothing's going to come easy against us. We're also really looking forward to playing the Sodom Icers..."
With this new attitude in Wyevale, it's easy to see why the Lily Pad is going to be a popular place this winter.
Championship Banners
Secrets Close Preseason
Secrets closed off training camp today, and have a two day offsite planned this week sipping wine, going to the butterfly observatory, and watching movies like Ghost, Beaches, and Steel Magnolias.
The Secrets look poised to defend their first recognized victory this year. They closed out preseason in awesome fashion, wiping the ice with the Butts and Bitches, to the point where the franchises folded because of it and their players ran off to other cities in fear, a first in the LOL.
Victoria looks primed to take home the Lady Byng this year, having drafted 20 players who will be in contention for the Sportsman of the Year trophy. Team tough guy, Tim Thomas, who is expected to lead the team in PIMs this year, was quoted as saying, “we’ll play the game the way it was meant to be played”.
Secrets applaud the new alignment of the LOL, where teams are divided by two divisions, the “A Class” division, and the “Finished Below Even Bubba” division, which only holds 2 teams this year, the Hats and Lillies.
The Secrets open up against the Hats in Panama on Thursday night, and then off to Sodom for a tilt in the ASS on Saturday night. When questioned about the privilege of playing some of the oldest franchises in pro sports, coach Will Wynn responded "who?".
It looks like we’re in for the best year in the LOL yet.
The Secrets look poised to defend their first recognized victory this year. They closed out preseason in awesome fashion, wiping the ice with the Butts and Bitches, to the point where the franchises folded because of it and their players ran off to other cities in fear, a first in the LOL.
Victoria looks primed to take home the Lady Byng this year, having drafted 20 players who will be in contention for the Sportsman of the Year trophy. Team tough guy, Tim Thomas, who is expected to lead the team in PIMs this year, was quoted as saying, “we’ll play the game the way it was meant to be played”.
Secrets applaud the new alignment of the LOL, where teams are divided by two divisions, the “A Class” division, and the “Finished Below Even Bubba” division, which only holds 2 teams this year, the Hats and Lillies.
The Secrets open up against the Hats in Panama on Thursday night, and then off to Sodom for a tilt in the ASS on Saturday night. When questioned about the privilege of playing some of the oldest franchises in pro sports, coach Will Wynn responded "who?".
It looks like we’re in for the best year in the LOL yet.
Hats 2010 Season Preview
Story Filed By
Gray from the Times
Stats by
White from the Fright
Dateline- September 28-2009
This reporter waited for over 4 hours to meet with legendary Hat Owner Mike Shaughnessy on a typical foggy Panama evening. The 9pm appointmnent was finally honoured at just past 1am. I waited in what passes for a family restaurant in Panama, The Hungry Beaver.
The place was a smokey den,with many of the patrons appearing to belong to a famous Panama cycling club.
I watched the waitress who had delivered my gourmet burger and fries try to climb some sort of pole on a stage in the middle of the dining area. She seemed to be naked but I am sure that was merely a trick of the lighting.
I was starting to doze off when the surly Hat owner finally expoded through the swinging doors.He offered the usual curse and a friendly growl to all those who recognized the Panama sports icon.
Shaughnessy staggered over to the table, removed the famous Panama hat and duster, ordered a triple Bushmills(no Jamesons in stock) and asked me what the fuck I wanted. I must say that the old boy looked good though, sort of like Bert Reynolds, only older and without the hair-piece.
We got straight to business of course. I asked him about flagging attendance at the stately Diana Dome. "No fucking problem there" he roared. "We have re-modelled the Dome and can now seat 1213 comfortably. The concourse has been redone and Mesqualito II , the wonder horse, will circle the concourse after every Panama score. On top of that , a free trip to lovely Wasaga Beach will be given to a dozen lucky winners each time prolific scorer Marc Staal registers an official hat trick. Our Hall of fame night on Halloween should prove to be a huge draw as well. Revered Hats alumnus Jeremy Roenick wil be inducted along with legendary Hats goaltender Pat Jablonski. And as a bonus, in the builders category, William Gillis will also be enshrined in the Hall."
My question about the on ice product prompted another rant." Fuckin on ice, we will be fuckin brilliant" he slurred." I can absolutely guarantee there will be no 10th place finish this year my lad.(seeing as there are only 8 teams this seemed no idle boast)"We are well coached by "Red" Timulty in his 16th go round as head coach. Red is a youthful 91 and has stayed on top of all things hockey. The Rocket Richard fixation for one of our right wing spots is slightly worrisome, but other than that Red's got er covered"
With that the crusty owner slammed back his 5th triple of the interview and strode into the balmy Panama mist, trailing a string of profanity.
This reporter can only conclude that the Hats season will be a memorable one indeed.
Gray from the Times
Stats by
White from the Fright
Dateline- September 28-2009
This reporter waited for over 4 hours to meet with legendary Hat Owner Mike Shaughnessy on a typical foggy Panama evening. The 9pm appointmnent was finally honoured at just past 1am. I waited in what passes for a family restaurant in Panama, The Hungry Beaver.
The place was a smokey den,with many of the patrons appearing to belong to a famous Panama cycling club.
I watched the waitress who had delivered my gourmet burger and fries try to climb some sort of pole on a stage in the middle of the dining area. She seemed to be naked but I am sure that was merely a trick of the lighting.
I was starting to doze off when the surly Hat owner finally expoded through the swinging doors.He offered the usual curse and a friendly growl to all those who recognized the Panama sports icon.
Shaughnessy staggered over to the table, removed the famous Panama hat and duster, ordered a triple Bushmills(no Jamesons in stock) and asked me what the fuck I wanted. I must say that the old boy looked good though, sort of like Bert Reynolds, only older and without the hair-piece.
We got straight to business of course. I asked him about flagging attendance at the stately Diana Dome. "No fucking problem there" he roared. "We have re-modelled the Dome and can now seat 1213 comfortably. The concourse has been redone and Mesqualito II , the wonder horse, will circle the concourse after every Panama score. On top of that , a free trip to lovely Wasaga Beach will be given to a dozen lucky winners each time prolific scorer Marc Staal registers an official hat trick. Our Hall of fame night on Halloween should prove to be a huge draw as well. Revered Hats alumnus Jeremy Roenick wil be inducted along with legendary Hats goaltender Pat Jablonski. And as a bonus, in the builders category, William Gillis will also be enshrined in the Hall."
My question about the on ice product prompted another rant." Fuckin on ice, we will be fuckin brilliant" he slurred." I can absolutely guarantee there will be no 10th place finish this year my lad.(seeing as there are only 8 teams this seemed no idle boast)"We are well coached by "Red" Timulty in his 16th go round as head coach. Red is a youthful 91 and has stayed on top of all things hockey. The Rocket Richard fixation for one of our right wing spots is slightly worrisome, but other than that Red's got er covered"
With that the crusty owner slammed back his 5th triple of the interview and strode into the balmy Panama mist, trailing a string of profanity.
This reporter can only conclude that the Hats season will be a memorable one indeed.
Icers Break Training Camp
Sodom Sun (by Ben Dover)
The legendary Sodom Icers, the league's most storied and glorious franchise, have left their training camp facility in Dildo, Newfoundland and are headed home to the comfy confines of the A.S.S. (Air Sodom Stadium) General Manager Harry "Paps" Mear has made several changes in the team after last year's uncharacteristic fifth place finish. The biggest changes come in goal where the Icers managed only 8 of a possible 44 points last season. When asked how the team would do this year, Mear, who had nodded off, was awoken. "Cheeseburger, I need a cheeseburger," said. When the question was asked again, Mear suddenly became afraid. "Where am I," he yelled, his eyes like frying pans. "Who are you guys? What's this building? What's going on? Where's my bedpan?"
The gathered reporters decided instead to question head coach Rusty Schvincter as to how the team would fair. "We'll be competitive," he replied. "We'll be able to thump that nancy team in Victoria, but I'm sure some other teams will be able to give us a tussle."
The league is expected to return to normal this season after the shocking results of last year. Both the champion and runner up were perennial also-rans who just happened to both get hot and lucky the same season. It was a shocking upset for all hockey experts, but these things happen in the world of sports every century or so. Most pundits expect a return to normalcy this season.
The legendary Sodom Icers, the league's most storied and glorious franchise, have left their training camp facility in Dildo, Newfoundland and are headed home to the comfy confines of the A.S.S. (Air Sodom Stadium) General Manager Harry "Paps" Mear has made several changes in the team after last year's uncharacteristic fifth place finish. The biggest changes come in goal where the Icers managed only 8 of a possible 44 points last season. When asked how the team would do this year, Mear, who had nodded off, was awoken. "Cheeseburger, I need a cheeseburger," said. When the question was asked again, Mear suddenly became afraid. "Where am I," he yelled, his eyes like frying pans. "Who are you guys? What's this building? What's going on? Where's my bedpan?"
The gathered reporters decided instead to question head coach Rusty Schvincter as to how the team would fair. "We'll be competitive," he replied. "We'll be able to thump that nancy team in Victoria, but I'm sure some other teams will be able to give us a tussle."
The league is expected to return to normal this season after the shocking results of last year. Both the champion and runner up were perennial also-rans who just happened to both get hot and lucky the same season. It was a shocking upset for all hockey experts, but these things happen in the world of sports every century or so. Most pundits expect a return to normalcy this season.
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