Sodom Sun (by Ben Dover)
It was a few years ago and the Sodom Icers management was furiously trying to find out why a shorthanded goal had vanished. The season ended and the Victoria Secrets were at first awarded the championship. But the Icers knew they should have won. A shorthanded goal would vault them ahead of the Secrets and give the City of Champions yet another championship. But the shorthanded goal was missing. Just as the GM was about to call the Secrets with his congrats, the missing shorthanded was found. The championship, which rightfully belonged to the Icers, almost went to Victoria. What a travesty that would have been...a false title. Turns out somebody removed the shorthanded goal to give the Toys a title. Underhanded, sleazy, illegal...pick your word. Well, it's happened again. The Icers went online yesterday and found a goaltender named Niemi from Chicago. He was there, on the waiver list. So the Icers picked him up. This started a series of whines emanating from Victoria. "I picked him first," ...."I told the commish to pick him for me last friday"...."there's a post" Puleeease. I can't stand to hear a grown man whine and moan. In truly gallant and sportsworthy fashion, the Icers will drop Niemi for the blubberng and whailing Victoria GM.
Sodom Icers Hockey Club Inc.
Championship Banners
Investigation Closes
Its yet another dark hour for the League of Leagues.
The investigation into the Victoria Secrets first recognized championship has been thrown out by the honourable commissioner 'Mike Shagswell III', who cited in a memorandum issued to the league last night, that "the Victoria Secrets won their first recognized championship last year, and done so fairly and within the confines of the rules".
However, shame from the investigation lands on one of sports most storied franchises, the Sodom Icers. "The league does place a $50 fine on the team, which is big in Sodom, for tampering and falsifying documents". The investigation, initiated by the Sodomites, concluded that the Icers 5th place finish last season had "strong evidence to suggest the Icers did so unfairly by purchasing shorthanders, and thier true place in the standings was 9th", just a head of the Hats but below the Wannamans.
The investigation also states that there was "a trail of evidence that goes back years, under multiple regimes of commissioners, that would suggest the Icers franchise has been buying shorthanders for years".
How can anyone forget the Secrets first victory, that was ripped from their clutches like a child being pulled from their family the day after the season ended and the trophy was handed out? The investigation has no mention of the tainted championship, but clearly suggests between the lines, there is something wrong in Sodom.
The investigation into the Victoria Secrets first recognized championship has been thrown out by the honourable commissioner 'Mike Shagswell III', who cited in a memorandum issued to the league last night, that "the Victoria Secrets won their first recognized championship last year, and done so fairly and within the confines of the rules".
However, shame from the investigation lands on one of sports most storied franchises, the Sodom Icers. "The league does place a $50 fine on the team, which is big in Sodom, for tampering and falsifying documents". The investigation, initiated by the Sodomites, concluded that the Icers 5th place finish last season had "strong evidence to suggest the Icers did so unfairly by purchasing shorthanders, and thier true place in the standings was 9th", just a head of the Hats but below the Wannamans.
The investigation also states that there was "a trail of evidence that goes back years, under multiple regimes of commissioners, that would suggest the Icers franchise has been buying shorthanders for years".
How can anyone forget the Secrets first victory, that was ripped from their clutches like a child being pulled from their family the day after the season ended and the trophy was handed out? The investigation has no mention of the tainted championship, but clearly suggests between the lines, there is something wrong in Sodom.
4 Years!!! Headline Screams
by Poonani Chasers:
...and to the amazement and joy of the Poonani Chasers management, the team has finally hit First Place.
"Although with our teams luck, we will more than likely hit rock bottom within a week" says team GM Kitty Smooth. "I think this team has the potential to be half decent as long as they all continue to let go of their Mommy's skirt. Of course one of the boys still doesn't want to play - Patrik will need to heal up quickly. Apprently he found out he was related to Sheldon Souray which explains why he is being such a little pussy" says Smooth.
When asked about Denis Widemans injury last night (upper Body) Smooth smiled and said "hmmm must be related to the celebrations between periods last night and might explain my lower body injuries"
...and to the amazement and joy of the Poonani Chasers management, the team has finally hit First Place.
"Although with our teams luck, we will more than likely hit rock bottom within a week" says team GM Kitty Smooth. "I think this team has the potential to be half decent as long as they all continue to let go of their Mommy's skirt. Of course one of the boys still doesn't want to play - Patrik will need to heal up quickly. Apprently he found out he was related to Sheldon Souray which explains why he is being such a little pussy" says Smooth.
When asked about Denis Widemans injury last night (upper Body) Smooth smiled and said "hmmm must be related to the celebrations between periods last night and might explain my lower body injuries"
Schvincter Keeps Job
Sodom Sun (by Ben Dover)
Despite a horrible and shocking start to the new season, the legendary Sodom Icers', the league's most storied and glorious franchise, will keep Rusty Schvincter as head coach. GM Harry "Paps" Mear woke up long enough this morning to say Schvincter's job was safe, despite the stunning shock of being in 7th place. Only the Victoria Secrets, the **unofficial** defending champions, are below the vaunted Icers. Mear says the incredibly slow start by the Icers isn't that bad and that Schvincter will be given more time to right the ship. Schvincter himself said he likes his team and doesn't give a hoot about the shockingly slow start.
** The Victoria Secrets franchise once tried to steal a championship by (rumours say) bribing the league statistician into hiding a shorthanded point by eventual champion Sodom Icers. The mysterious missing shorthander was thankfully found in a final look at the league stats. The underhanded attempt to steal a title thankfully failed, but it is still considered to be a dark day in the LOL's history. Because of this attempted theft, there is some concern about last season's championship by the Secrets. Was it legitimate? Did they get away with a bribe this time? A full investigation of the Secrets championship last season is ongoing. A full report from Private Investigator Dee Enay is expected next week.
Despite a horrible and shocking start to the new season, the legendary Sodom Icers', the league's most storied and glorious franchise, will keep Rusty Schvincter as head coach. GM Harry "Paps" Mear woke up long enough this morning to say Schvincter's job was safe, despite the stunning shock of being in 7th place. Only the Victoria Secrets, the **unofficial** defending champions, are below the vaunted Icers. Mear says the incredibly slow start by the Icers isn't that bad and that Schvincter will be given more time to right the ship. Schvincter himself said he likes his team and doesn't give a hoot about the shockingly slow start.
** The Victoria Secrets franchise once tried to steal a championship by (rumours say) bribing the league statistician into hiding a shorthanded point by eventual champion Sodom Icers. The mysterious missing shorthander was thankfully found in a final look at the league stats. The underhanded attempt to steal a title thankfully failed, but it is still considered to be a dark day in the LOL's history. Because of this attempted theft, there is some concern about last season's championship by the Secrets. Was it legitimate? Did they get away with a bribe this time? A full investigation of the Secrets championship last season is ongoing. A full report from Private Investigator Dee Enay is expected next week.
Unrest in Panama
Story filed by
Brown from the Sun
Stats by
Grey from the Times
Dateline October 2/09
A near riot broke out today in the parking lot of the stately Diana Dome.
Irate Panama fans, angered by the price gouging antics of the legendary GM protested the high ticket prices($2.50) for lower bowl ducats.
Their complaint centered around the flinty GM raising prices and at the same time putting a team on the ice that could possibly go all season without registering a single scoring point.
The anger was palpable as the fans hurled spoiled fruit and bricks at the Dome.
Several fans found Shaughnessy's fabled high performance Yugo and over turned it.
This reporter called the Hats public relations department to see how the clunb would react and what attempts would be made to mollify the justifiably irate fan base.
A familiar gruff voice , slightly slurred , answered the phone and I posed the question. There was a split second pause and then the famous growl exploded through the reciever. "Fuck em"
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